


Area X is Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience

by AughtPunk



Category: The Southern Reach Trilogy - Jeff Vandermeer
Genre: I SPOIL EVERYTHING IN THIS DUMB FIC, Multi, Sitcom AU, So if you haven't finished the trilogy, Spoilers, do not read, seriously, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 04:24:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5443208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saul's a Lighthouse Keeper that has just found love!</p>
<p>Charlie's a fisherman who isn't ready to settle down!</p>
<p>Can these two men find love in the pristine alien wilderness known as Area X? Tune in Sundays at eight for American's favorite sitcom to find out!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Area X is Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Jeff VanderMeer: I am so sorry.

Studio lights come up to reveal the set of the Light House Living Area. There are still signs of battles that had taken place there: Bloodstains on the walls, soot from the fire, insane scrawling words covering every surface. But at the same time it's clear it's also a well lived in home. There's a overstuffed couch, a side table with flowers, and a bookcase against the stairs in the back of the room. To the left is the front door, and to the right is a doorway leading into the kitchen. Outside the only widow one can see the ocean stretch on forever.

Sitting on the overstuffed couch is Charlie the Fisherman. He is wearing his typical yellow fisherman's jacket and is reading a expedition journal that has seen better days. On his lap is a cat with human eyes that is also trying to read along.

"Silly cat! Just because this journal says Linguist doesn't mean it's about you!" Charlie says. There's polite laughter from the audience.

The front door to the Light House opens to reveal the Crawler. The audience goes wild with applause as the indescribable creature lurches in, writing on the walls as it goes. There are people in the audience who begin reading the too familiar words out loud only to find themselves unable to stop. When the clapping dies down Charlie turns in his seat to face the Crawler.  

"Saul! What have I said about being in your work uniform at home?"

The Crawler turns around to reveal a comically large zipper going up it's back. With a little wiggling the zipper unzips and the untouched form of Saul steps out. He's wearing a bulky cabled sweater that is available in the network's online store for fans of the show. There's another pause as he waits for the audience to calm down before speaking.

"Sorry honey! I got wrapped up in chasing deer out of the tomato patch and forgot to take it off."

"Oh no!" Says Charlie. "Are the tomatoes okay?"

"I'm afraid the deer got most of them. Man, with the way those deer keep bothering us I swear they're Light Brigade rendered in a more natural form! But just as annoying!"

Laughter. Charlie gets up to cross over to Saul. He holds up a letter in a bottle. "Well, I think this letter from Gloria will cheer you up!”

“Oh? And how is she doing these days? Hopefully in a form that’ll let her climb rocks!”

Charlie pries the letter out of the bottle and unrolls it. “Let’s see. Ah! Looks like she’s a seagull right now! But she’s hoping she’ll be a dolphin in the next life!”

“A dolphin!” Saul makes a face, getting a round of chuckles from the audience. “I don’t want my pseudo-granddaughter hanging out with a bunch of dolphins!”

“Hey!” Charlie puts his hands on his hips. “Some of my best friends are dolphins!”

“I know! That’s why I’m worried!”

The audience bursts out laughing, the sound finally loud enough to drown out the few members unable to stop reading the words scrawled upon the set’s walls. Saul taps his foot impatiently until he’s cleared for his next line.

“Anyway! We have more important things to worry about, Charlie! My boss is coming over for dinner tonight!”

Charlie presses his hands against his cheeks in complete shock. “But you said we’re all out of tomatoes! What are we going to do?”

At that moment there is a terrifying loud shriek from behind the set. The whole fake room shudders as an incredibly powerful force hits the left side. Once, twice, on the third hit the door flew off the hinges and took out one of the cameras on it’s destructive path. The left wall leaned forward as The Biologist leaked in through the doorway. Her grandiose frame moved into the set like an unstoppable lava flow, knocking everything out of her way. Hundreds of eyes blinked in the bright studio lights only to focus on the audience. People weeped at her presence. But not out of fear, nor disgust. For in front of them was nature in its purest form. The Biologist was an ecosystem within herself, sustaining life through hangers on and the miniature tide pools that formed between her eyes. The audience weeped in awe of her beauty.

An owl flies in after The Biologist’s entrance. It’s holding a bottle of wine.

“Hello, The Biologist!” Saul says with a nervous smile. “You’re early!”

The Biologist does not speak. She is beyond such meaningless things as words. But a prompter in front of the audience holds up a sign to cue laughter anyway. No one follows his instructions.

“I have an idea!” Charlie says in a loud stage whisper. “Stall her!”

“Time no longer touches her eternal form!” Saul hisses back, but Charlie has already left into the kitchen area. Before he could say more the owl drops the wine bottle in his hands.

“Thank you, I see this is vintage…ocean?” Saul removes a chunk of seaweed and a starfish off of the bottle. “It’s good to see you again owl who may or may not be The Biologist’s husband. Catch any white rabbits today?”

The owl hoots and lands on the Biologist’s head. Body. The near endless mass which is her corporal form. Saul glances at the kitchen door as if waiting for something to happen.

“Boy!” Saul says as he stresses the word. “I hope Charlie shows up with dinner soon. Charlie. Dinner. Charlie!”

There’s shuffling from behind the set, peppered with some choice curses, before Charlie walks back in carrying a tray of cooked fish steaks.

“Who wants swordfish?” Charlie smiles as he carries the tray over and places it in front of The Biologist. The massive creature moves forward enough to cover the tray. It’s unclear if she’s eating it, so someone off to the side makes loud ‘eating’ noise sound effect. The Biologist moves back to reveal a now empty tray. The owl hoots.

“What’s that?” Saul gasps in delight. “A raise? And I can write on both of the tower’s walls now? Gee wow! Thank you The Biologist! I won’t let you down!”

Without a sound the Biologist slides back away from the set. Sadly her body is too big to move back through the door, so she pulls the entire wall away as she leaves. The Biologist creeps out of view followed by a handful of panicking interns. Saul waits a full five minutes until she is mostly out of view before he speaks again.

“Charlie,” He places his hands on his hips, “Where did you get that swordfish? Was it someone we know?”

“Well,” Charlie wraps an arm around Saul. “Let’s just say it’s a good thing that Old Jim kept himself marinated as a human!”

“Oh you!” Saul laughs and gives Charlie a kiss.

The audience should be wooing and cheering, but they are not. Most have left to follow The Biologist into the ocean. Some have taken up whatever writing utensils they could find to continue the writing on the walls. Where Lies The Bitter Fruit continues on in blood, feces, markers, intern blood, words meshing and growing towards the emergency door exit. What few audience members remain are still weeping with a joy that cannot be explained through words. One audience member has turned into a deer. The audience may no longer be complete, but at the same time it has become whole. We have all become whole.

The owl swoops in, grabs the cat, and flies off up into the rafters.

ROLL CREDITS

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited, Unbeta'd, mostly written at 2am. 
> 
> Look, so I finished the Southern Reach trilogy and I was like dying for some Saul/Charlie fics. But there aren't any. Heck! At the time I post this there's only two other Southern Reach fanfics on Ao3! So I had to take matters into my own hands. Unfortunately, this happened.


End file.
